Sitting on the doorstep, watching the sun slowly rise over my garden, listening to the morning sounds of a world waking up. I’ve a giant mug of coffee and a cigarette. Trying to crush the feeling of hopelessness in my heart. Yesterday wasn’t a good day. If you were looking in from the outside you’d never know. You’d see the house full of activity, the table covered in paint and half-finished crafts, toys strewn across the floors. Hear the music and the laughter, see the food on the stove. The hustle and bustle of a life that I never stop creating.
Inside me was a different story. Exhaustion and sadness seem to be creeping in, building a nest deep within. It was the first day in months that I wished I was silent. Wished I wasn’t on this path of honesty and openness. Truths are difficult to hear, even when we know them already, maybe more so when we know them. Hearing them from someone else makes them more real, more concrete. But it’s still hard to hear.
Too much. More than I can handle. For the first time in months, I really and truly want to give in. To just say ‘no more, I can’t do this’. Opt out, hide away, vanish.
All day I tried to write but I had no words. No words to explain how I felt, no words to reach out and ask for help. Every time I sat down to put fingers to keyboard, nothing came… it was all stuck. So I went through the motions of the day, praying that I could make it through another day.
Now I’m sat outside, shivering in the freezing morning air, because somehow, out here, the words are coming. Away from the noise, where only the birds are keeping me company. They are singing their morning song, as they do every day, never quitting, never wishing today they could stay in their nest and just not partake in the world. Quietly admitting that I’m not OK. I can act the act, say the right things, take those baby steps each day and look as though I’m moving forwards. But I’m not sure that I am. I seem to be sinking and I don’t quite know how to halt it. Still hoping that someone holds the magic key to make everything alright again, but knowing that that person is me and I seem to have lost it.
“She may be quiet, but she’s a warrior and her prayers can move mountains”
I want to run away and yet at the same time, I want to be found. I want to be left alone but I want someone to say “I hear you”. Four long months have turned my world upside down. Nothing is as it was, and never will be again. I can’t go back to before. To the numbness and the pretence. I spend my nights on the floor, praying that tomorrow something will magically turn and I’ll have figured out how to fix this. I’ll find a way to put the plans into action that I must. Days start with good intentions and end with tears and regrets.
Believe me when I say I’m trying, though it seems my hardest isn’t quite enough. I’m losing sight of the light, loosing hope that I can find a way through. I may be silent, but I’m praying. I may have forgotten how to reach out but I’m still hoping. There is no option to give in, however much my heart wishes I could. This is a fight I have to win, all I need is to find it in me to want to win.