The tears well up in my eyes as I stumble down the stairs, the silence of the house is deafening. As I slide the bolts across the door, because you aren’t coming home, they fall down my cheeks. Tonight I am drowning. Last night I was emotionally exhausted, eight weeks of heartbreak had taken their toll, and for the first time in all those weeks, I fell into bed, sober, sleepy and dry-eyed.
I woke feeling good, there was a smile on my face, and I spent the day busy. Tackling my to-do list, having a chat with friends, working, doing some things with the kids, helping out at Rainbows, making dinner. Busyness is really just a way of me avoiding having to feel, having to deal with the un-perfectness.
And now the grief has hit, like a bag of rocks on my chest, I am struggling to breathe through the tears.
Grief comes in waves, sometimes I can keep swimming with the current, my head safely above the water, but tonight, oh tonight I am drowning. I can’t see the way back to shore, and I have no idea where my life preserver is.
It’s in these quiet hours that I doubt myself. I can be strong and keep on going all through the day. It’s what I do best, plaster on a fake smile and just get on with it. But as the evening arrives, my mask slips and the truth sneaks out, carving paths down my cheeks.
I’m tired of myself, and surely the rest of the world must be tired of this too? A part of my brain is screaming at myself, to “just get over it already”. Shut the hell up and move on.
I don’t know why I can’t let go. Actually, I do… because you were always my life preserver, the one who kept me afloat, who gave me a reason to keep on going, and without you, I am nothing.
My heart knows that without you here, this is all there is. Daytimes full of busyness, work and kids and groups and house stuff, then evenings of nothing. Night after night after night, I can see the silence and loneliness stretching on for years.
There must be something faulty with my heart, that you could break it into so many pieces, and still it yearns for you to come back and put it together again. As much as I Hate you for what you have done, as much as you drive me crazy, have made me hate myself more than I ever thought possible, the thought of a lifetime without you is too hard to contemplate.
Tonight I am drowning. And all anyone can do is stand and watch. There are no words to make me feel whole again, no hugs to make me feel loved. Tonight I am drowning in the tears you have caused.