I feel as if I’ve been cut free, uprooted, the ties that were holding me down undone. Death always comes before resurrection, new life can only come when old life dies. These months of heartbreak, of brokenness and fear, have shaken off the layers and layers I’ve been hiding behind. Too long trying to be somebody else, trying to fit in, shape myself to somebody else’s mold. Burying my own desires and passions far beneath the surface. Not believing I had a voice, or a worth, letting others words fill my head and crush my soul.
I clung on to what I knew for too many years, afraid to step out on the unknown road. Afraid to take the steps to a life that I wanted. Finding excuses in children and money and situations. Telling myself I wasn’t brave enough to even think about sailing solo. I ignored the yearnings of my heart, ignored the sadness that sat below the surface, the loneliness even as part of a couple, the knowing that this wasn’t what I wanted. I’m not a quitter… I’ll see things through until the bitter end. I’m learning this isn’t always a good trait. It’s OK to quit a marriage that is one-sided. It’s OK to break off toxic relationships. It’s probably wise to pour away the bottle of vodka – two shots don’t mean you have to drink the lot.
I’ve hidden behind drink and drugs and starvation and self-harm. Telling myself I needed it. That it was what kept me going. Self-destruction became my art. It was one thing I was mighty good at doing. When life got tough, it was my constant. And how I clung to the familiar, still afraid of letting go.
And then one day I did. Let go. Quit. Give in. Let the old die away at last. Unhooked myself from the ties that bound me to where I was. Allowed myself to believe. To breathe. To dream. To hope. to imagine a new life.
My wings are unfurling, they’re still a little stiff for they’ve been packed away for a lifetime. For the first time in forever I’ve given up the crutches I thought I needed and I’m flying free. Untethered I can feel the possibilities, can see all that could be. Slowing down, trusting that what will be will be, tuning in to myself and becoming who I always was within.
There is no easy answer. The path is not straight forward. I doubt myself more than I don’t. I strain against the decisions to let go of what doesn’t serve me, still a part of me desperate for soemthing more familiar. Slowly, the steps get longer, stronger, more confident. I can feel a humming, a newness, a never before felt energy inside, propelling me forwards, refusing to let me sit and be beaten. Urging me to find what it is I must do. What it is I must be. To follow my dreams and find grace.